This isn't surprising because, after all, the man is just along for the ride, he did not carry the baby in his body and so his connection to the baby is less intense than the woman's. This may be true sometimes, but let me assure you that this was not the case for me. The day we heard that we had lost the child we were eagerly anticipating was literally the worst day of my life.
After I told my father the news over the phone behind closed doors, away from the eyes and ears of my devastated wife, I fell to my knees and wept. Like I have never wept before. I lost my child. I lost the little one who would grow into a toddler who waits everyday with bated breath for "daddy" to come home. I lost the little to whom I would sing lullabies, hymns and Disney classics in the middle of a sleepless night.
It was in that moment, when I learned something about God. For the first time in my life I truly understood why we call Him Heavenly Father. I felt his ache. I felt His intense desire to be there to embrace me, to comfort me. I felt the same thing from my Savior. I knew they loved me in a way that is beyond words. This is why I have felt no bitterness whatsoever.
Throughout this experience Cami and I have felt an immense amount of support from those who care about us. We feel an immense amount of gratitude for their love and support. Because of that support, we have had the strength and presence of mind to recognize three lessons:
This was not part of God's plan...
First things first, I believe that God has plan for all of us. As detailed in the oft quoted Moses 1:39, God's plan is "to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." In other words, God's plan is to help us to become like Him. This life is a time for us to grow. Crucial to this plan, is our ability to make our own choices, our free will.
What gives us the opportunity to exercise our free will is made possible by virtue of living in a fallen world. Lehi taught that there must needs be an opposition in all things in order to fulfill God's plan. We live in a world that is subject to disease, decay and the whims of the Adversary. God has provided us with instructions for living the happiest life we can, but I do not believe He has tailored our life experiences, I do not believe that every bad thing that happens in our, happens for a reason that has been predetermined by God. That would make God an accomplice to the Adversary which presents all sorts of theological inconsistencies, what with God being purely good and all. Some of our life experiences are random, they have to be in order to preserve our freedom of choice. It is up to us to assign purpose to our experiences.
Why did we lose our baby? It was not because we were not ready to be parents , and it wasn't because our child wasn't ready come to earth. Most likely, I contributed a defective sperm or Cami's egg was defective, or something went wrong with the development of our baby. It was nothing more than the consequence of living in a fallen world. But we chose to use this awful, devastating experience to draw closer to God. We chose to feel empathy to all those who have lost a loved one too soon, rather than to feel the apathy that accompanies despair. Lastly we have chosen to share our grief with each other and Christ. It has drawn all involved in that trifecta much closer. We assigned purpose to what was essentially us drawing the short end of the stick, and the purpose we chose brings us closer to becoming like God.
Does everything happen for a reason? God has given us the power to create the reason, Will we create Godly reasons which will enable growth, or will we choose worldly reasons which cause our souls to become stagnate and eventually fester? We get to decide!
Of course, while God may not have actively planned out our miscarriage, He did know it was going to happen and provided a safety net to break our fall into the abyss of despair. How fortunate it is that Cami's mom was home so we could go to her house immediately! What's more, Cami's father was free to come as well so we could administer a blessing to Cami. Less tangible was the outpouring of love and peace I felt through the Holy Ghost. I know that peace and comfort came from my Savior and His atonement. God will not always protect us from the random bad things that happen to us, but he will absolutely provide us with comfort.
Grief: A Godly Emotion
People are generally uncomfortable when they are around somebody who is sad. It's a fact of life, and because we are so uncomfortable around sad people we tend to either: a) Cheer a sad person up or b)Get as far away from the sad person as possible. Cami and I have found this to be true as we have grieved the loss of our child. People usually don't know what to say, so they just kind of start talking, not really thinking about what they are saying. Don't misunderstand me, everybody who has talked to us about our miscarriage has had nothing but the best intentions, but sometimes people say things that are very painful for us to hear
Phrases like, "This is just a hiccup," or "You need to get your mind of what happened, it's time to move on," or my personal least favorite, "This sort of thing is very common, one out of five pregnancies end this way." You know what else is common? Death. In fact five out five people you know will die at one point. And yet we would never dream of telling the beloved daughter of a deceased father, "This sort of thing is very common, five out five people will die, you know." Pardon me for my black humor, but I use it to illustrate a point. The pervasiveness of miscarriages does not negate the devastation they bring to some. Now again if you have said something similar to what I just detailed, please don't feel bad, we know you want to help alleviate some of our pain and we are very grateful to you!
On the other hand we don't need to be cheered up. We need to be sad. At least for now. We lost our child, and while we personally believe we will have the chance to raise our child we don't know when. Having a baby grow inside my wife's womb helped me to feel closer to the spirit of my little Kennedy. I knew she was going to be a girl. I knew she was going to be a daddy's girl. Words cannot express my excitement to meet her. And I will, one day. When I found out that my child's developing body had died it was like that connection was severed. Can you imagine that? Feeling that close to a person, only to be ripped apart unexpectedly? How strange it would be for us not to grieve after experiencing that.
Our grief has helped us understand how our Savior must feel everyday. The grief he must experience at the prospect of losing some those for whom He suffered forever! That grief is an expression of his all-assuming love, just as our grief is an expression of the love we have for our baby. It is a necessary emotion, and we wish to experience it, so that we can better understand our relationship to our unborn children.
We are going to be amazing parents...
To all those who have yet to get pregnant let me tell you how terrifying it truly is. I mean you are going to be responsible for a human life! How can you possibly be able to be selfless enough to provide the love and care a baby needs? I doubted whether or not I could be a good father. In fact it used to literally be my biggest fear. But now I know what kind of father I will be.Am I capable of the consuming love that good fathers feel for their children? I think the fact that my grief at losing my child has consumed me at times is a good indication of how much I
I look at my lovely wife and how stricken she is at times and it breaks my heart. At the same time, however, it shows me how much she is going to love my children. I am so grateful that she is going to be the mother of my children. From her they will learn compassion, they will learn how to alleviate the pain in others even when the pain inside yourself is almost unbearable, and they will learn how dependent we truly are on our Savior for succor. Above all else, are children will never wonder if their parents love them.
